


falling out of love

by benchscenetyrus



Category: One Direction (Band)
Genre: Alternate Universe - College/University, Angst, Diary/Journal, Falling In Love, Falling Out of Love, Heartbreak, Heavy Angst, Journal Entries, M/M, Quick Read, Short, Underage Drinking
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-03-09
Updated: 2019-03-09
Packaged: 2019-11-14 10:37:47
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Underage
Chapters: 10
Words: 2,900
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18050918
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/benchscenetyrus/pseuds/benchscenetyrus
Summary: i'm falling out of love, and it is the strangest feeling i have come across.





	1. intro

hi

this is me trying to put into words how i am feeling right now, as i fall out of love with a person who i thought was my soulmate

falling out of love hurts

but it hurts more when its a case of unrequited feelings

he doesn't know i was in love with him

and neither does he know i'm falling out

its a battle between my heart and my heart and neither can win


	2. julius caesar and libraries

tattoos covering pale arms and unruly hair pushed out of his face were a part of his uniqueness. i had never seen anyone like him. big green eyes with even bigger lashes and his ears always slightly sunburned from reading outside for too long at a time. high cheekbones and low self esteem, high intellect but low confidence- he was a roller coaster.

i don't really know how we became friends, somewhere in between making jokes about julius caesar and nudging each other silently in the library- feelings flourished.

and they were all mine.


	3. loud classes and silent reading

tangled hair and tangled fingers- he squeezed my hand between his slender fingers and rested his head on my shoulder. when i was fifteen, it was normal for boys to be this close. now, when i'm seventeen, it's just as acceptable as it was two years ago.

because two boys can't be anything more than friends, and if they act like it- they are probably just being  _boys_.

even if one is two years older than the other.

the class was full of clamour and the teacher didn't show up but here he was, leaning against me with his glasses balanced crookedly on his small nose and his eyes focused on his book.

he was always reading.

_"i'm bored,"_

i had lied, just wanting to see the tiniest scrunch of his nose as he tells me to fuck off and i smiled once he did exactly the same, pointing at a paragraph of his book that i had no interest in.

while he began to explain what is happening in the book and why this author is the best author he has come across, i just sat there and contemplated silently as to what the hell was it about him that made me so happy. he was a boy. why do i have these feelings for a boy?


	4. pancakes and postcards

the first time we met outside of school was at a mall close to his place. his place was a nearly two hour long drive from mine, and to this day, if he ever feels like hanging out i make the drive instantly.

he complimented me- he always did. i never complimented him back because i was too shy and too awkward and although he was too, he just never failed to say things that made me feel unnecessarily good about myself. i had never met a boy- let alone a person who finds so much good in me to this extent.

we tried to do normal things that people do when they go to malls- we tried on clothes, went to several shops to find something we like but somehow we ended up sitting across each other sharing pancakes and stories and discussing things that don't matter.

half an hour later we were in a book shop, his pale skin glowing under the amber lights as his tattoo covered fingers ran across books and books and books.

i found myself staring at him.

when he saw patterned postcards he looked at me with an excited smile and grabbed two of them, handing one to me.

"what's this for?" i asked.

"i feel like we should write to each other every month, just like good times we have spent together or something- it'll be cool, don't you think?"


	5. new semester and heartbreak

new semester started after three months and we were the strongest we had ever been. i had never met a person who i was so insanely obsessed with, who i couldn't go without for even a day. and the best part? it was all mutual.

he told me that he had never experienced this want to be with a person to this extent before me.

at this point, our mutual friends were making jokes about us getting married.  _jokes_ , because one boy cannot love another boy in a way that is not platonic.

when the new semester started, being heart broken was an understatement.

we knew we didn't take similar classes but somehow the thought of not sitting together in class and making jokes to each other and just not being able to see his face whenever i want was unacceptable. his classroom was on the opposite side of mine, and the only time we could meet was passing period and lunch.

we made it work, for a month and then two but it had to end sometime.

out relationship was so dramatic. it wasn't like we were just friends who were fighting.

it was heartbreak and crying in class and calling each other at two am just to yell at each other.

the first time we fought was when i realised that i had fallen in love with him.

i had had fights and arguments before- but i had never cried over them, i had never felt this pain in my chest.

i hated the control he had over me.

i hated that i had fallen in love with him.


	6. depression and comfort

we got over the fighting stage, of course we did, but what sucked was that we couldn't go back to what we were in 2011. we could never be that close again after six months of constant back and forth.

consequently, my best friend "depression" had returned to me in full force begging me to push people away and to not put any effort in my attitude or appearance. after summer break- i was the worst i had ever been.

scars running down thighs and bandages covering my wrists. busted knuckles and busted lips because of my alcoholic dad. low marks, low confidence, low self esteem- everything was just underground.

the letters we wrote to each other soon turned to requests of me telling him to leave me alone and him writing back- begging me to let him be there for me. i hated confrontation, i hated talking about my feelings and most of all, i hated bothering other people with my problems.

but he just wouldn't leave me alone.

"we can just sit in class, you don't have to talk,"

"let me be there for you,"

"i got pancakes for you today,"

"it's fine if you want to cry,"

"i'm not leaving you alone,"


	7. confrontation and lies

"i like you,"

_"i like you too,"_

"no, i mean i like you, like in a romantic way,"

_"what?"_

"sorry i know it's weird-"

_"no, no it's not weird i just, i don't think you like me, maybe it's just a phase? i mean what is there to like about me?"_

everything.

your need of not putting a book down until you reach the end to the fact that you feel so strongly about something as simple as flip flops- i love everything about you.

the shape of your hips and the curve of your smile and your cute little nose. the way your eyes are both cloudy but ablaze with a certain zeal and the way your tongue pokes the side of your cheek when you laugh. the way you roll your eyes at me and the way you bump your forehead against mine and the way you bury your head in my shoulder when you're feeling low.

the way your arms wrap tightly around my back when you hug me and the way your white-washed skin glows under the sun and the way you effortlessly tuck your hair up in your beanie.

the way your collarbones peek out of low cut shirts and the way your hand fits in mine. the way your voice goes high pitched when you are around dogs and the way it breaks when you cry and the way i can hear the excitement laced in every word that comes out of your mouth when you talk about a certain movie.

what is there to not love about you?

"do you think it would be strange for us to be in a relationship?"

_"i, i don't know harry i've just never thought about you that way. i mean you're beautiful, anyone would want you, but i'm just not for relationships,"_

"you really don't have to sugar coat it, lou,"

_"i'm not, you know how much you mean to me but i just don't trust myself in a relationship with anyone. let alone someone like you who i can't lose at this point in my life, i can't imagine my day without you,"_

"you know, you're a very bad liar,"

_"why do you always think i'm lying? are my feelings a joke to you? you always disregard them, whether i write them down or i say them to you, why can't you ever accept any sort of affection?"_

"i'll see you tomorrow,"


	8. seminars and jealousy

we didn't talk about it again. not after a month, or two, or six. he didn't bring it up and i wasn't stupid enough to bring it up myself.

things became slightly different but only on my part. i didn't feel comfortable enough to hug him all the time, to hold his hand, or to kiss his cheek. it seemed too intimate, and i wasn't going to make him think as if i was hitting on him.

however i remember, in a seminar hosted on campus, how he was sitting unnecessarily close to this girl, how the girl's hands were constantly touching him somewhere or the other.

how he seemed completely unaffected by it.

i knew he didn't feel for me romatically but it still fucking sucks that he was being so close to someone else. i didn't want to look at them, god knows i didn't, but my eyes, my stupid fucking eyes won't stop wandering over to them.

i felt it, the ache of jealousy in my chest and a lump under my throat. the annoyance of him not being mine was most prevalent that day. i was sure he must behave like this with other people too- platonic or not, it still broke my heart.

after the seminar i made a beeline straight towards the washrooms to wash my face and hopefully get rid of this heat that is constantly building up in me, but before i could go very far, he was calling my name. of course he was.

as soon as he approached me he starting ranting about the seminar and how boring and unnecessary it was, and i nodded along mindlessly, following where ever he was going. i know it isn't fair for me to be mad at him but i was feeling that way. i was so fucking pissed.

_"is something wrong?"_

"no,"

_"yeah it is, what's up?"_

"eleanor is just so fucking clingy,"

_"what?"_

"i don't like the way she was touching you, and this isn't me having a crush on you, i just find it unnecessary and annoying," i blurted like the fucking idiot i am, and he just looked at me for a while before a small smile pulled at the corner of his lips.

"what?" i barked, quite literally, slightly annoyed that he was finding this humorous in any manner.

_"nothing, i just want you to know what she doesn't touch me the way you do,"_

i looked away.

"what's that supposed to mean?"

_"you know, when you touch me or hold my hand it feels emotional, it feels... real. it's not like that with any of my other friends, not even her,"_


	9. wine and parks and falling out of love

_"you brought alcohol in my house?"_ his voice was hushed and i just looked at him with a small smile, pulling out two bottles of wine from my bag and shaking them up and down to make a point. to this day, i still remember the way he tackled me, both of us almost missing the bed and landing on his marble floor instead, his hands scurrying to snatch the bottles from me to place them back inside my bag.

"i thought you wanted to 'get drunk and have a silent party'?" i quoted his text and he rolled his eyes, a rude action that i have always been fond of somehow.

 _"i do, but my parents are here,"_ he whispered, even though the 1975 was playing softly in his room, singing about lost love and the doors were locked.

"we could go out?" i suggested.

yes i was underage, and yes i was terribly scared while bribing a man to get the alcohol for me but it was him we were talking about. making him happy was more of a priority than my own safety and that speaks volumes about how toxic our relationship really was for me.

 _"you want to drink in public?"_ he seemed hesitant about it for half a second before he finger gunned at me.  _"i'm down for it,"_

"cool, park then?"

and two hours later we were two wine bottles down and almost smoked half the cigarettes i had bought. i don't exactly remember how many- but they were a lot. we were drunkenly blabbering about anything and everything but amidst every syllable that left his mouth, there were a few that i remember even after being wasted as shit.

_"you know when i think about us, and relationships, i feel like we will figure it out someday, we will find out way to each other,"_

i didn't understand the statement but i didn't question it further.

the rest of our day included going to the mall completely wasted, having an unnessary amount of chocolate chip pancakes and throwing them up five minutes later in the same stall. i don't remember if i was holding his hair back or he was mine- but we somehow made it through the chaos and ended up in his bedroom trying not to fall asleep and cause any suspicion to his parents.

somehow i remember the way he was holding me tightly- his leg hooked around my waist and his head tucked under my chin- thanking me for all i've done for him even though in that moment we weren't feeling anything but shit. and an hour later, he was kissing my cheek, followed by my forehead and hugging me tightly while he put me in a cab and told me repeatedly to text him one i reach home.

i don't really remember most of the day but i remember one thing vividly- that was the day i started falling out of love.

i knew, even with the shit load of alcohol in my body, i knew that there was something wrong with me when i didn't feel the heat in my cheeks or the butterflies in my stomach whenever he touched me. i was happy- i really was, but it wasn't the same kind of happy. it was the "oh i'm having fun with my friend" kind of happy.

and i don't know why, but things got a lot more morbid for me from that day on.


	10. fallen out of love

falling out of love is the strangest feeling to me.

when i look at him now, i don't feel the need to be close to him- not as much as i used to anyway. his light skin and messy hair used to be so distinct to me, his small frame and the intricately laced together tattoos covering most of his arms were a disclaimer that he was unique. his bright shining green eyes, big and round with long lashes accompanying them were the same eyes i wanted to spend hours staring at.

but why is it all changing?

i have accepted the fact that i can never be with him, i have accepted that we can be nothing more than friends and just as i learn to do that, why am i falling out of love? why is my hand no longer holding his every chance i get and why is his wit and humour something that i don't appreciate anymore?

unrequited feelings can be the worst thing ever- unless you get used to them. the warmth spreadig through my cheeks when he hugged me and the flutter of butterflies when he looked at me with that tiny little smile were things that started to comfort me. i search for it. i search for the happiness inside me when i'm with him but i just can't find it.

everything seems so colorless when you're not in love.

and it's not the colors that i'm missing. it's the feeling. it's just the feeling of longingness for a person, the feeling of relief when you finally hear their voice across the line, the excitement of spending time with them. life just seems so much more purposeful when you're in love.

and the worst part?

the worst part is that humans can't stop falling in love. they don't stop at a person. once they fall out of love, they search for new things, new people, new cities, new songs to fall in love with, and the hellish process of jealousy and crying and feeling worthless starts again until it turns into acceptance.

i have loved him for two years now, why am i falling out of love today?

**_the end_ **

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi! I'm Drennie! I hope you enjoyed Falling Out Of Love, and if you did please feel free to check out my other works! I'm quite active on Wattpad (at vicesgerard on there as well) and I'd love if you'd check out my works on there as not everything I post on there is posted on here (and vice versa; I don't post collabs on my Wattpad, so all of those are only available on here)!  
> Have a good day/night!


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